TVSF - The Very Special Forum!

I googled the Guam deflowerer story, and found a discussion of it on snopes.com, which does a pretty good job of evaluating urban legends. For a variety of reasons, everyone seemed to think that it was nose-pulling.

I might sometimes to be a bit crazy and I did it again. I have emailed somebody in Guam and asked about this. HEh, I'm curious to hear the answer, I will put it here.

This is what they answered me from GUAM VISITORS BUREAU:

Hafa Adai! Hannele those rumors are not true at all. Virgins or non-
virgins can get marry in Guam.

Now we know! Guys, you can cancell you flight tickets if you planned to go and get work there....

VAN GOGH'S FAMILY TREE

Van Gogh came from quite a large family, and most of us don't know anything about the others. Just in case someone asks you about the others sometime, this may help you

His dizzy aunt-------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes---------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store------- Stop n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia---------------------- U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois--------------------------- Chi-ca Gogh

His magician uncle------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin-------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother----- Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle----------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt------------------------ Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle----------------------------- Fla-min Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst----------------------------- E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking---------- Way-to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew---------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco----------------------- ------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van (you guessed it!)-------- WinnieBayGogh

.........and There Ya Gogh............

Don't mess with these ladies

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket,
not your stub."


Let's go for stupid

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked
stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


Caught for speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his
way! without ticket.


Stuck under a bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up
that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is
right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed
up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his
car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips
and says, "Got stuck,huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was
delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


Drunk?

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot
on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said,
"I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk".
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was
a cripple."


Dealing with trouble

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom
disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over
six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more,
he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad
Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an
escape artist-probably better than Houdini."The giant
nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued,
"you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've
got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly
you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed,
pulled and jerked for four minutes."I can't get out of these,"
the giant growled."Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The
fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."


Too Late

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked
and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was
stopped by a policeman."What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?"
asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt."

Now you can intellectually handle the situation:

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt.

They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them!

I'm speechless....

Ha ha ha.

FUNNY QUESTIONS THAT PEOPLE HAVE ALLEGEDLY ASKED OF NATIONAL PARK RANGERS IN THE U.S.

Here is the link:
http://www.snopes.com/humor/question/rangers.htm

Many years ago, I had a Summer job as a wilderness ranger in the Inyo National Forest, in the Southeastern Sierras in California. It is very possible that tourists really did ask the questions reported by snopes.com.

I guess some of the Park Rangers got a nervous breakdown......

"Grand Canyon National Park:
- Was this man-made?"

Pheewww

Ha ha ha ha

Some people............

MENSA Invitational

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The 2006 Winning Entries Are:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. [I guess "th" counts as one letter.]

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan, is the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**.

Some of them was, great.

Yep, being a devoted Mosquito Hater I loved Beelzebug - I've been there, man!

This made me laugh yesterday:

There were 3 guys, a French, Swedish and Finnish, and they talked about their fantasies. The French one starts saying:

"Oh-la-la, I dream almost each nite about the beautiful, naked woman riding on the horse. And her legs are touching the ground as she rides. Not that the horse would be so small but her legs are so long"

Swedish one goes: " Jajamen, each nite I dream waking up with the blond who can hardly wrap her arms around me. Not that her arms were so short but her breast was so huge."

The Finn was left, he said - his eyes gazing in other worlds: " Hmmm, I dream that I would slam by wife on her but before leaving to work. And whe I would come back home it would still vibrate. Not that she would be so fat but my workday would be so short..."

Three friends--an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Kuwaiti--were eating lunch in a restaurant. The Englishman was complaining: When I get home from an exhausting day at work, my wife always wants to have sex, but most of the time, I am not able to perform. For me, sex is a burden.

The Frenchman replied: I have to disagree with my English friend. When I get home from work, I look at my beautiful wife, and the flames of passion ignite automatically. For me, sex is definitely not a burden.

The Kuwaiti replied: I agree with my French friend. If sex were a burden, I would have my Pakistani do it for me.

How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English???

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP". It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so .... Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:! What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U P