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I Gonna Miss Your E-Mails

Let me tell you about my doctor He is very good. If you tell him
you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he
realized she was Chinese .... .

Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six
months,
the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

One time my doctor examined me and told me I had walking pneumonia.
I asked what to do about it. He gave me some pills and said, "Here are
some pills.? Take two every three miles."

While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there
is a man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I
can't see him."

Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor,
doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film." The doctor calmly replied,
"Let's just wait and see what develops."

I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His
advice: Don't answer it.

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor,
I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take
these.? If they don't work, give me a ring."

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there.? I'll deal with you later."

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to
stop going to those places.

You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for
an appointment he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

Dumb Laws - California

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

Women may not drive in a house coat.

San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances guaranteeing sunshine to the masses.

You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.

In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

It is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.

In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Women may not drive in a house coat.

It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

In California it is illegal to have caller ID

Arcadia: Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

Alhambra: You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

Belvedere City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

Burlingame: Carmel Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor);

Burlingame: Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

Chico: Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

Downey: It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

Lafayette: You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

Lodi: It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

Lompoc: It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

Long Beach: Cars are the only item allowed in a garage; It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

Los Angeles: You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

Los Angeles: You may not hunt moths under a street light.

Los Angeles: Toads may not be licked

Los Angeles: It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church (Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison)

Los Angeles: Zoot suits are prohibited.

Ontario: Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

Palm Springs: It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

Pasadena: It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Prunedale: Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Redlands: Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

Riverside: One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

San Diego: It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

San Diego: The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

San Francisco: Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

San Francisco: It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

San Francisco: Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street

San Francisco: It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

San Jose: It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs.

Santa Monica: You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

Temecula: Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

Hannele wrote:Let me tell you about my doctor He is very good. If you tell him
you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.

That reminds me of a terrible joke. A man has an appointment with his physician. The doctor says, "I'm afraid that I have some bad news. Your arteries are clogged, you need a by-pass operation immediately, and it will cost you $100 thousand."

The man replied, "Hey, wait a minute. I need to get a second opinion."

The doctor's response: "You want a second opinion? I'll give you a second opinion. You're ugly too!"

from my neighbor, Ethne Smoot:


When I got back from Montreal last week, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line.Just one guy in front of me. An Asian Guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change?

Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen.
Today I get huna eighty.

Why it change?"

The Teller shrugged her sholders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too"!

That was a good one...

Ahhh, velly velly funny.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew alot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.

"The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off,"she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said:

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.

Now for a really bad joke...
What does a lobster have in common with a Chinese man who has just been run over by a truck?
They're both crushed Asians.

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

That was a good one.

I got this from my neighbor, Ethne


THE EASTER BUNNY

A man is driving along a highway
and sees the Easter Bunny jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the Easter Bunny jumps right in front of the car.

The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the Easter Bunny.

Much to his dismay,
the Easter Bunny is dead.

The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car
and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"
he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny
and killed it."

The blonde says,
"Don't worry."
She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the Easter Bunny.

The Easter Bunny jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the Easter Bunny stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
adds permanent wave."

Good Grief, Larry! How did you pick up this precise joke

I travelled to States -97 and met there, at the dinner with friends, a person who wanted desperately tell jokes. He was like a Crazy Scientist by his appearance, I wonder if his shoes even matched that evening - there was something so strange in him. And he told this - in very clumsy way. And I laughed like "Hahaha" being polite but wondering WHAT was the point. And finally the incident itself became a great joke.

Sorry about that. The joke is a really bad pun. "Hair" is pronounced the same as "hare", which is a rabbit, or bunny.

Ha ha, i just love to use puns myself.

Some people have easy for words, do you think we have it in the jeans?

Yeah, I found that out later but that evening, being told by that person who forgot things from the middle...just think the worst joketeller you can imagine...I just didn't get it.

The following 15 New Jersey State Police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the state.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy & corn dogs & step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets & my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."