TVSF - The Very Special Forum!

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government
can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall
where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.


CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't
we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's
worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.


TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a
Courthouse?
-You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!


George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart .
"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and
Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail."

The husband had just finished reading a new book,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN Of YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know
that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The frickin funeral director would be my guess."

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the chequebook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

.At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were....You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

More fun puns.....

For those who enjoy language for its funny punny meanings:

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
´
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like the wind, but Fruit flies like bananas.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

THE SWEDISH AIR ACE

During WW I, a Swedish pilot volunteered to fly for the British, and shot down several German airplanes. Many years later, he was interviewed on a live radio broadcast in the US. The announcer asked the Swedish ace about his scariest experience in the air. This was his reply:

I was flying over France, and entered a cloud. When I came out the other side, there was a Fokker in front of me, and a Fokker to the right of me, and a Fokker to the left of me...

The announcer interrupted, and explained to his audience: Fokker is a type of German aircraft.

Then the Swedish ace replied: No these Fokkers were Messerschmidts!

I think this one is real funny!

http://www.veoh.com/videoDetails.html?v=e45427HkXRCsKm

HA HA he should be working at the Farm instead !!

Whom to Marry?

A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test, he gave each of them one thousand dollars.

The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look, saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."

The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo, VCR, and a month's supply of beer, saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."

The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man, saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."

The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one with the biggest breasts.

It's finally here, life will never be the same anymore

There was a woman who had been married to an elder man for years. Now there was finally the day when she was free and all the property belonged to her. This poor widow decided to do something to celebrate the funeral day and decided to go to bar and have real fun.

She went in the nightclub, ordered her drink and checked possibilities. She saw a handsome, tall, muscular black guy. She smiled to him, he smiled to her and sooner you can say "one night stand" they were in the taxi driving to her home.

As soon as they arrived her home she looked at him gasping and whispered: "Now my big animal, show me what you can do best!"
- Next day she woke up in the hospital. She was all beaten and policeman was there to tell her TV, stereos and car were stolen.

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

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In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times..
(A brick??)
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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think about this one for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
( Ah! Justice!)

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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
( But of course!)

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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
( Makes one shudder at the thought.)

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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises!"
( Is this a great country or what? Well, . . Not as great as Guam!)

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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
( Who volunteers for this stuff?)

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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of .. ?)
(Did the government pay for this research?)

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Ha ha ha

Great facts Hannele.

10 THINGS BLACK AND LATIN PEOPLE KNOW,

BUT WHITE PEOPLE WONT' ADMIT:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
3. Jesus was not White.
4. Skinny does not equal sexy.
5. A 5 year child is too big for a stroller.
6. N' SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
7. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
8. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
9. Kissing your pet is not cute.
10. Rap music is here to stay.

===============================================
10 THINGS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW,
BUT LATIN PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
2. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies
3. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
4. Hickey's are unattractive.
5. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
6. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad statement.
7. 10 people to a car or home is considered too many.
8. Jesus is not a name for your son.
9. Maria is a name but not for every other daughter.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store can get your BUTT whooped (or theirs).

================================
10 THINGS WHITE AND LATIN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. Tupac is dead.
2. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
3. Having a ring on every finger is too much.
4. O.J. did it
5. Teeth should not be decorated.
6. Breaks are usually only 15 minutes.
7. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
8. RED is not a kool-aid flavor (it's a color).
9. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
10. Your pastor doesn't know everything.

Ha ha ha ha

I will look for some fun "facts" too.

Woman's vocabulary

FINE:
This is the word we use to end an argument. "Fine" means that the argument is over, we are right, you should shut up. Never use "Fine" to
describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.


FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that. Your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.


NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a
woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."


GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."


GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care."You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.


LOUD SIGH:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an
idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
there and arguing with you over "Nothing."


SOFT SIGH:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.


OH:
This word followed by any statement it trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last
night." If she says, "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done
tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually
signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts
so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

BUT THAT'S OKAY:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding on your punishment for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be
in some mighty big trouble.


PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."


THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint,just say, "You're welcome."


THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have
hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

Hmmmm

I better let you handle this thread, you are good at finding those entertaining facts.

Hi Hannele,
THANKS A LOT for explainng women's vocabulary!

BUT THAT'S OKAY.....

Am I treading on thin ice?